Initiation Text

Mysteries of Our Dark Lord

Welcome, unholy minions of darkness, to the first and last cult you will ever join based on atheistic heathens nearly spending $500 for sexual favors at a gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas. Within the following text, passed down to you from the Dark Prophets Jeremy Pool and Brett Posch, collectively known on Tinder as Jerett Posch-Poolanus, you will receive instruction for the proper show of commitment and devotion to this profoundly flawed belief system.

1. Our Dark Lord has no name, and we do not actually believe in him. Yet all in our faith shall constantly refer to his greatness and majesty.
2. All true believers will own and strive to own Subaru vehicles during their lifetime. Our brother Ronald Flautz acknowledges there is no rational reason for this, but the Dark Prophets assure all believers that their afterlives, which likely don't exist in the first place, will improve dramatically for each of such vehicle owned.
3. At least once every six years, all true believers able in body, finance and mind shall make an unholy pilgrimage to Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Therein they shall attempt to ascertain sexual favors from the temple priestesses for as little money as possible, even requesting discounts for return visits to the same Dark Priestess as our brother, Matthew Renfro, so aptly brought into unholy cannon. After this diabolical affair, all making the pilgrimage shall offer to purchase services totaling no less than $500 American on a credit card, before contacting their bank to assure them the charges were in-fact fraudulent.
4. Upon first completion of this grueling rite-of-passage to the unholy dwelling place of Our Dark Lord, every follower shall henceforth be accepted into the Five-Hundo club, cementing their status as a legitimate member of the cult.
5. Bonus fake afterlife points awarded to those which achieve the following: fall asleep whilst drunk in a Denny’s diner (or really anywhere, if that’s your thing); winning money at Craps and paying for your brother’s meals at said Denny’s, as our brother Mike Valla so beautifully offered; obtaining official Five-Hundo smoking jackets and Zippos; nearly breaking up with your significant other over biscuits adorned merely with mayonnaise; being a total asshole to your co-pilot whilst driving in Texas, as the Dark Prophet Brett Posch has mastered; and return visits to Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club to ascertain sexual favors from two women at once and/or suck on their toes, the later of which made famous by our brother Chris Laub (aka Ritchie Lau).
6. Those among the faithful that do achieve the stunning feat of obtaining sexual favors orally or greater from two drunk Dark Priestesses at the same time during their visit to Our Dark Lord’s unholy dwelling shall henceforth be known as a Junior Grand Pimp of the West Coast. The original and senior of this position, of course, is none other than the illustrious founder of this ridiculous cult and Dark Prophet, Jeremy Pool.
7. Praise be to Our Dark Lord! We’ll see you in fake hell, bitches…